do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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