Say something about gay babies.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize