Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
