So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
