im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
