I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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