Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
