remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
