she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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