did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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