It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
