I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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