I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
