woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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