I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
