Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
