It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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