WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
