can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
be right there i have to get my cape
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
