Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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