Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Randomize