I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize