She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
