Four minutes until I can fart!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
