genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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