I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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