Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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