Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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