He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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