Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
