he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We had to coat check the pizza.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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