WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
