I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
