got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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