I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
No more Irish car bombs ever.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
