Your dad touched me again.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
