I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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