I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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