why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
