maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize