Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
