I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
