weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
