ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
