That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
