Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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