I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
