I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
