Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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