pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
