just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
