Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
