I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
