were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
