Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
