im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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