Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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