so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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