Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
