Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
