If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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