i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
