My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
