ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
