you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Randomize
